Creation

“In the beginning, God made the heavens and the earth.”  - Genesis 1:1

Genesis chapter one was a pretty big week for God. In just six days, He created the whole universe; the sky, the oceans, the light, the dark, and eventually, people. I think the most I’ve ever managed to do in six days was go grocery shopping and learn how to make macaroni and cheese from scratch. Let me tell you, my macaroni is good, but it's not quite up to God’s standards.

Anyway, God had a mind-blowing plan in store for people. It would involve trees, snakes, apples, leaves that can be worn like underwear, and a flaming sword. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Right now we’re focusing on the story of how people came to be alive, and then came to be... not so great.

Day 1: You know that kind of dark it is when it’s really late at night and you’re tired but you’re looking for something so you squint your eyes like an idiot to see better and it’s still dark somehow? It was darker than that.

Darker than this.

 So, God made the light.

That was the first day. I can just imagine having a conversation with God after that.

Me: “So, how was your day?”

God: “It was okay. I made light.”

Me: “That’s cool. What’s light?”

God: “Uh, close your eyes.”

Me: “Woah, it’s dark! I’m scared!”

God: “Yeah, open your eyes.”

Me: “Oh that’s much better!”

God: “You’re welcome.”

Day 2: At this point, the earth was still a big ball of blue stuff floating awkwardly in space. So on the second day God decided to split the blue stuff into the sky and the ocean and I guess whatever comes between those. Air? I’m not sure, but there it was.

Day 3: The sky and the ocean were great. People could fly kites and go swimming pretty much forever, but it lacked that certain... groundiness. On the third day, God made the ground. Again, good, but why not go bigger? Bam. Plants and trees. No big deal. (Except it totally was.)

"And He saw that it was good."

Day 4: God had already made the sun and the moon and He wanted to give them something to do instead of just hang out in space all the time. Night and day were created on the fourth day so that people can appreciate how beautiful the universe is by looking up at the sky and seeing all the stars. Or by just staring at the sun.

He's self-conscious.

 Day 5: God wanted to make some living things to appreciate how awesome He made the earth. I mean, come on, some of those trees are like a million feet tall and they make apples and fruit and such and they’re full of syrup. And so, God made the birds to fill up the sky and go “KAW” and fish to swim around and do... whatever it is that fish do. (Sorry fish.)

The birds and fish became best friends.

Day 6: God loved his fish and his birds because they make great pets for the most part, but He knew that the land needed some creatures, too. On the sixth day, He made all the other animals.

They don't really get along as well as birds and fish.

Finally, God created one last being on the sixth day:

“Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” - Genesis 2:7

This muscley, beardy guy was given dominion over all the animals of the earth. And God told the man that all the plants were his to eat, except for certain trees and raspberries and cauliflower because those are gross, and that leaves should only be used as underwear. God named the man Adam and commanded him to live in Eden, the best place in the world, where he could live happily ever after.

Adam did not argue, because he loved baseball and croquet and gardening and stuff like that, and since Eden was a garden, it was perfect.

Totally manly.

Sadly, after a while, Adam got lonely. Sure, animals are great, but they just don’t really listen or care.

Adam? More like SADam.

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” - Genesis 2:18

One night while Adam was sleeping, God took one of his ribs and used it to create a woman so that Adam wouldn’t be lonely anymore. She was totally hot and really nice and was actually into baseball too. She was the perfect partner for man.

They were both happy and excited, Adam, because he had a girlfriend, and the woman, because she just got made out of a rib, which is pretty cool.

Things were going good for a while, but after a certain incident with a snake tree (I warned you about snakes), the woman gave the man the kind of apple that gives you the knowledge about good and evil, THE ONE KIND OF APPLE GOD SAID NOT TO EAT, and they ate it.

And they realized they were naked.

Now, the encounter between God and Adam that ensued in the bible, though frightening, is actually kind of hilarious if you have an open mind. Let’s read it together.

Genesis 3:8
“Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.”

9 “But the Lord God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’” 

10 “He answered, ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.” (This probably even sounded stupid to Adam the second it came out of his mouth.)

11 “And He said, ‘Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” (Awwww, snap.)

12 “The man said, ‘The woman you put here with me - she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

Real smooth, Adam.

13 “Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this you have done?”
The woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Well played.

God believed her, knowing that snakes suck and that if Satan was going to pick something to go into, it would probably be a snake. He cursed snakes forever, but He was still mad at Adam and his wife. God told them to leave the Garden of Eden forever and go and start a civilization, and told them how they'd have to work for their food and how giving birth to kids would hurt really bad as punishment for the apple thing. Adam named his wife Eve, which translates roughly to ‘baby mama.’

Life was rough outside of paradise; the real world has way less fruit and way more intense physical labor, but somehow, Adam and Eve got through it and even though God didn’t like how they ate from His tree, He still loved them anyway. The same way He will always love you and me no matter what we eat.

P.S. The moral of this story is that people are weak to deception, but strong with faith. God made everybody perfectly imperfect. Our weaknesses are His strengths, so we should always look to Him if we don’t want to get fooled by a snake tree. Trust God, don't ever believe even for a second that you can hide from Him, and you should be okay. Also, be careful about going around naked. That's just common sense, though. Right?

-sam

Fun

“The city streets will be filled with boys and girls playing there.” - Zechariah 8:5

You may recall that the purpose of Man vs. Bible is to make reading your bible more fun, and to encourage you to read every day. Although humor is the main method I aim to use to help accomplish this goal, I’d like to introduce a few ideas I’ve had over the past couple years that actually include the bible in your everyday life. While you’re keeping up with your reading, I recommend trying out one of these totally legit activities that just might make you never want to put your bible down again.

1. Exercise
In addition to the source of an invaluable collection of morals, the bible also makes a surprisingly good assistant to your average workout. The types of exercises you can perform vary with the size and weight of your bible. Personally, mine weighs about six to five-hundred pounds. (It’s annotated.)

Come on, Bible, it's almost beach season.

This makes for a solid arm workout after just a few reps. I like to look up verses while I’m lifting to encourage me to keep going.

“They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong.” - Psalm 73:4

I do not recommend cycling or running with your bible unless you have access to stationary exercise equipment such as a treadmill. Sometimes the Word is so good, you will find yourself distracted and might end up having an accident.

I drew that bike so poorly, it was bound to crash anyway.

The bible can be an excellent personal trainer, physically and spiritually.

2. Cooking
A healthy diet is key to a healthy body and a healthy soul. Most of the food you’ll find in the New Testament, however, is a little... unsettling.

“Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate.” - Luke 15:23

Nonetheless, there are definitely healthy alternatives that still benefit from biblical involvement. Here’s my own recipe for what I like to call a Scripture Fruit Smoothie.

(Cherries optional.)

Raise Bible

Smoosh fruit

Super Delicious!

That protective leather binding not only keeps God’s Word in, but keeps strawberry juice out! Don’t feel bad if you make a mess, though. No stain, no gain.

3. Tanning
Summer is coming up and who doesn’t love laying out by the pool with one of those coconut drinks and soaking up some sun? Here’s the problem, though; how do you keep your eyes shaded without looking ridiculous?

UMBRELLAS ARE FOR THE RAIN

The solution; Bible study in the sun!

“Light is sweet, and it pleases the eyes to see the sun.” - Ecclesiastes 11:7

Fact: Bibles prevent sunburn.

Not only do you get the benefits of vitamin D, but multitasking helps to promote positive brain activity or something like that.

Tip: If your arms get tired, try resting your bible on your face and you’ll feel really close to God!
(Warning: May ruin tan.)

4. Scuba Diving
This would have really come in handy back in the Noah’s Ark days. It can’t be all that hard to waterproof your bible, right?

"Bloop."

5. Sledding
Admittedly, most of this list comprises of summer activities. That’s not to say that the bible isn’t fun in the winter! The snow is a blessing from the heavens and should be celebrated thusly. They didn’t even have snow back where the bible was written, so it’s not explicitly mentioned in any verses, (except Job and that guy is a total downer) but just think of how much fun they missed out on!

(Results may vary.)

Note: This does not apply to skating. DO NOT attempt to ice skate with your bible. It is both silly and dangerous.

6. Flying
I haven’t actually figured this one out yet, but if you do, please let me know because it sounds amazing.

“I said, ‘Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.” - Psalm 55:6

I am 100% aware that this picture doesn't make any sense

7. READING
Ah-ha! Didn’t see that one coming, did you?! Hopefully you’ve realized at this point that 99% of these activities are made up and you probably shouldn’t try to do them in real life. In fact, in some ways you would be disrespecting the Word by using it to smash unsuspecting fruit into a beverage. By far, the MOST FUN you can possibly derive from your bible is by opening your mind and opening the book. When you read, let your imagination take over, be passionate about learning from the Lord and the living Word that He left with us.

“For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope.” - Romans 15:4

Even Paul could see that and he was blind. (Is that mean? That’s mean, isn’t it? Sorry, Paul.)

Apparently Paul was homeless.

P.S. I want to reach out with this blog. Before I made Man vs. Bible, I spent a long period praying whether or not I should put the time and effort into a project like this and finally God put it on my heart to stop thinking and just go for it. I know it sounds silly but I want to use this not only to make reading the bible interesting for other people, but to glorify God. I have faith that if I’m meant to do that, then it will happen. That said, faith without works goes nowhere. So I’m asking you, whoever is reading this, to help me get the Word out. If you like the drawings or what I’m trying to do, Follow the blog with the button up there and tell your friends about it. Show your parents and siblings. Try to make your dog or cat look at your computer screen. Whatever works. I have faith in you.

He likes to be clicked.

-sam

Snakes

“We should not test Christ, as some of them did - and were killed by snakes.” - 1 Corinthians 10:9

Snakes: slithery, scaly garden hoses filled with poison. Out of all the countless creatures on earth, snakes are by far the most snakey, and thus, the worst.

They bite people,

steal bird eggs,

and scare most girls.

Today, we will be exploring the theory that God hates them all.

“I have given you authority to trample on snakes and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.” - Luke 10:19

Some might argue that snakes aren’t the worst thing ever. They have even been called “kind of cute.” Let me assure you, person that keeps a pet snake in their room for some reason; the cute you think you see is actually deceptiveness in disguise as non-deceptive cuteness.

Still not convinced? Ask yourself this, when was the last time you had fun in a snake-related activity?

This doesn't count.

To further drive in my point, I’d like to reference a personal hero of mine. Imagine a man that turns twigs and leaves into houses and trees into boats. A man, who using only a knife, transforms a stick of bamboo into a really sharp stick of bamboo, which has literally a hundred uses. This man is real, and he is a danger to snakes everywhere. I of course am referring to Bear Grylls.

Man vs. Wild

After much deliberation on the perfect method to torture snakes beyond a shred of remaining dignity, God made a man that kills and eats poisonous serpents purely for survival (entertainment) purposes, and allowed him a television series in which he does this repeatedly.

For God so hated snakes that he sent his son Bear Grylls to kill and eat them all. (Not an actual verse.)

It's good protein.

You should really watch his show, Man vs. Wild. In one case, Bear takes drastic measures, not only skinning his prey and eating its charred flesh, but going so far as to use the empty carcass as a canteen, which he pees in. I honestly cannot think of a fate more befitting of the traitorous ground-crawlers. These, after all, are the vessels in which Satan used to trick Eve into eating from the tree of knowledge, which pretty much ruined everything forever. (Until Jesus.)

Never take an apple from a snake. Or anything else.

“So the Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this, Cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat only dust all the days of your life.’”- Genesis 3:14

Here is my final presentation for my case; picture the worst thing you can think of.

Author's Note: Grapefruit juice sucks.

Now picture it with a snake.

You will see that the object has become exponentially worse once in contact with the snake. The only exception to this rule is tattoos, which are usually terrible with or without the snake included.

Also, snakes make terrible gifts.

“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?” - Luke 11:11

 

Not cool, Dad.

In conclusion, snakes ruin everything and are pretty much horrible, according to the Bible anyway. Need I say more?

P.S. To those readers who might own a snake, I'm truly sorry if this post offended you in any way. I'm sure they make amazing pets as long as you keep their cage closed, locked, and at least two hundred feet away from your bed. Feel free to follow/comment.

- sam

Introduction

Hi. My name is Sam and I love God. First off, don't let the title of the blog fool you. This is not literally about a man trying to fight a Bible, despite how entertaining that sounds like it might be. But I promise I will try to make it equally as fun. (Maybe more. We'll see.)

spoiler alert

The purpose of my blog is to try and make the Bible seem more interesting. Don't get me wrong, it's great the way it is, but I know from personal experience that it's so easy to stop reading, even after you've made it a habit. Sometimes I'll get really fired up about God and all I want to do is read the Word. Sadly, every once in a while, like most fires, mine will go out and I'll get bored with the good book. Personally, I blame Satan. Let's face it, the guy's a jerk.

Never trust fire safety equipment.

It's not David's fault that there are so many Psalms, but they can get a little repetitive if you're reading the Bible as an obligation instead of a passion. There are days when I actually tell myself, "Okay, I have to read a few chapters today," but like a real good Christian, I put it off until I'm in bed and end up falling asleep halfway through a parable. (Side note, doing this has given me some pretty interesting dreams, pictured below.)

This was an awesome dream, believe it or not.

The point is, (yes there is a point), that reading these stories and absorbing the word of God should be fun. So with this in mind, I recently began really letting my imagination go nuts as I read, and the result was that I started to get some really intense and frequently ridiculous mental images. In addition to this, a few of my close friends have been using blogs to reach out with their faith, and I truly think that's awesome. (I'll link to their blogs below, because honestly what they have to say is much smarter than anything you'll find here.)

In light of this, I've decided to make a blog with the intent of making reading the Bible more entertaining for people like me who struggle to keep up with reading. I will attempt to do this by sharing whatever I find funny about certain verses or those mental images that I will recreate, just for you, in under five minutes per drawing. (It's not the quality that counts. It's the... uh... colorfulness.)

Like I said, reading the Bible should be a passion, not an obligation. I hope that my illustrations and "insight" will help you to feel the same way. Please join me as I take on this challenge (and by challenge I mean super rad fun time) that I am humbly calling...

Links to the best blogs in the world (probably the universe) :
http://runningtothewell.blogspot.com/
http://reaganalissamcdonald.blogspot.com/

 P.S. Feedback and criticism would be very much appreciated so I know how much time would be reasonable to waste spend on this weird and kind of dumb wonderful project of mine. Please enjoy and feel free to comment/contact me.
- sam