Masculinity

“If this man were not from God, he could do nothing.” - John 9:33

Recently it has come to my attention that my blog is lacking in a very important aspect. It’s called “Man vs. Bible” but there’s not much MANLINESS going on here, and that’s just plain wrong. God made me to be a MAN, not some sissy that draws dolphins all day. It’s roundabout time to compensate (maybe OVER-compensate?!) for all the posts that haven’t been at least %150 MANLY.

Is that erupting volcano shaped like a cross? Yes. Yes it is.

What exactly makes the bible so masculine, you ask? Questions like that are for NON-MEN, but I’ll tell you anyway in case you forgot. Here’s a list (in no particular order) of what qualifies under the complex criteria of MANLINESS:

1. Meat

“Eat anything sold in the meat market without raising questions of conscience” - 1 Corinthians 10:25

Did you know that the word “MAN” is in the bible 2,747 times? That’s almost three thousand. That’s twice as many square acres as the average forest fire. Any more MANLY, and the bible might turn into a steak.

The 't' in 't-bone' now stands for Thessalonians.

There is so much meat throughout the Old and New Testaments, you could probably eat the pages of your bible and get a year’s worth of protein. You know what would be even better? If you drenched them in barbeque sauce first. Then the Word would be INSIDE of you (and delicious.)

If you get a stomach-ache, you are not a MAN.

Meat tastes good. This is an indisputable fact, but I wouldn't consume nearly as much beef as I do on a daily basis if I thought it wasn't good for me. Meat gives you valuable iron and protein, vitamins that give your muscles what they need to build and become stronger. Despite what some many nutritionists may tell you, your soul needs vitamins, too. Reading from your bible every day strengthens your faith, and helps prevent spiritual arthritis.

2. Fighting Large Animals

“In the midst of lions, I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts” - Psalm 57:4

Make no mistake, there is nothing quite as MANLY as taking on a beast using only the bare hands that God gave you and your body made out of muscles. The bible is riddled with stories of MEN battling tremendous creatures comprised entirely of teeth, claws, and anger.

For example, Jonah, although a coward at first for running from God, not only overcame his fear but overcame the giant sea monster that ATE HIM by finally trusting in the Lord’s will.

“Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.” - Jonah 1:17

(Note: Jonah may have actually been vomited out on a beach, but even so, that’s still pretty manly.)

God only presents us with obstacles so that we can overcome them. If you try to run away, not only does that make you NOT MANLY, but also not willing to trust God. That, much like the inside of a giant fish, is not somewhere you want to be.

3. Honor Like a Champ

"Moreover, the Father judges no one, but has entrusted all judgment to the Son, that all may honor him just as they honor the Father." - John 5:22-23

Guys in the biblical era were into honor almost as much as they were into super fast chariots, which were the equivalent of sports cars back in their day.

(Note: Though a terrible representation of a horse, this is actually a very accurate representation of how bad I am at drawing horses.)

A major responsibility of being a MAN was going to war without question or fear for the sole purpose of slaying some giants to bring glory to God. Naturally, this was some Old Testament-type heavy stuff, as violence, though definitely manly, is not really cool anymore. Jesus made that abundantly clear, and NO ONE was more MANLY than the Son of Man, son.

It’s still important to defend your honor in the present day, just don’t get it confused with pride. It’s way more MANLY to be humble than prideful.

“Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the Lord, and humility comes before honor.” - Proverbs 15:33

And anyway, pride is for lions (see Number 2.)

4. Chivalry

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise.” - Proverbs 31:30-31

Okay, so maybe chivalry wasn't exactly a prevalent theme in the bible, but those were different times. Nowadays, it’s ALL about being a gentleman, ‘cuz you can’t spell 'gentle’ without ‘MAN.’ (Don’t correct me, I know what I said.) If you don’t open your car door (TRUCK door if you’re a REAL MAN) for your lady-friend, then you fail at dating and maybe YOU should be the one wearing heels. Treat women with respect, because not only are they better looking than you, they are also more dignified and in all likelihood more smarterer. (Science.)

The lesson here is that it takes more than just muscle to be a MAN; it takes heart. (Although the heart is a muscle.)

A muscle full of CHOCOLATE.

5. Glorifying God

“Jesus replied, ‘What is impossible with man is possible with God.” - Luke 18:27

Hold the phone, hombre. Did you think the list was done already? I’m sorry, I thought this was Man vs. Bible, not Man vs. IMPATIENCE. This is the most important part of being a REAL MAN, and I’ll tell you why; without God, there would be no meat, no large animals, no honor, and no ladies to be chivalrous towards. What kind of a world would that be? Not one I would want to live in.

Being a good MAN means glorifying God in everything you do. Real MEN aren’t selfish and they don't rely on themselves. I don’t care how many sharks you can lift during your morning workout, if you’re not doing it for God, you’re WEAK SAUCE.

That said, nothing puts hair on your chest like serving the Lord. In fact, after the flood, Noah had so much chest hair that his family often mistook him for one of the bears they had brought with them aboard the ark.

P.S. I hope this foray into masculinity has been both entertaining and educational. Not only is this a personal expression of one of my own influences in how I'm living my life for God, but a collection of sentiments that anyone can apply to their walk with Christ, regardless of gender. Man or woman, strength, toughness, and a level head are qualities that God bestowed on each of and every one of us, maybe just in different ways.

Study your bible like a man, man (even if you’re not a man.) Feel free to comment/follow.

-sam