Snakes

“We should not test Christ, as some of them did - and were killed by snakes.” - 1 Corinthians 10:9

Snakes: slithery, scaly garden hoses filled with poison. Out of all the countless creatures on earth, snakes are by far the most snakey, and thus, the worst.

They bite people,

steal bird eggs,

and scare most girls.

Today, we will be exploring the theory that God hates them all.

“I have given you authority to trample on snakes and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.” - Luke 10:19

Some might argue that snakes aren’t the worst thing ever. They have even been called “kind of cute.” Let me assure you, person that keeps a pet snake in their room for some reason; the cute you think you see is actually deceptiveness in disguise as non-deceptive cuteness.

Still not convinced? Ask yourself this, when was the last time you had fun in a snake-related activity?

This doesn't count.

To further drive in my point, I’d like to reference a personal hero of mine. Imagine a man that turns twigs and leaves into houses and trees into boats. A man, who using only a knife, transforms a stick of bamboo into a really sharp stick of bamboo, which has literally a hundred uses. This man is real, and he is a danger to snakes everywhere. I of course am referring to Bear Grylls.

Man vs. Wild

After much deliberation on the perfect method to torture snakes beyond a shred of remaining dignity, God made a man that kills and eats poisonous serpents purely for survival (entertainment) purposes, and allowed him a television series in which he does this repeatedly.

For God so hated snakes that he sent his son Bear Grylls to kill and eat them all. (Not an actual verse.)

It's good protein.

You should really watch his show, Man vs. Wild. In one case, Bear takes drastic measures, not only skinning his prey and eating its charred flesh, but going so far as to use the empty carcass as a canteen, which he pees in. I honestly cannot think of a fate more befitting of the traitorous ground-crawlers. These, after all, are the vessels in which Satan used to trick Eve into eating from the tree of knowledge, which pretty much ruined everything forever. (Until Jesus.)

Never take an apple from a snake. Or anything else.

“So the Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this, Cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat only dust all the days of your life.’”- Genesis 3:14

Here is my final presentation for my case; picture the worst thing you can think of.

Author's Note: Grapefruit juice sucks.

Now picture it with a snake.

You will see that the object has become exponentially worse once in contact with the snake. The only exception to this rule is tattoos, which are usually terrible with or without the snake included.

Also, snakes make terrible gifts.

“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?” - Luke 11:11

 

Not cool, Dad.

In conclusion, snakes ruin everything and are pretty much horrible, according to the Bible anyway. Need I say more?

P.S. To those readers who might own a snake, I'm truly sorry if this post offended you in any way. I'm sure they make amazing pets as long as you keep their cage closed, locked, and at least two hundred feet away from your bed. Feel free to follow/comment.

- sam