Creation

“In the beginning, God made the heavens and the earth.”  - Genesis 1:1

Genesis chapter one was a pretty big week for God. In just six days, He created the whole universe; the sky, the oceans, the light, the dark, and eventually, people. I think the most I’ve ever managed to do in six days was go grocery shopping and learn how to make macaroni and cheese from scratch. Let me tell you, my macaroni is good, but it's not quite up to God’s standards.

Anyway, God had a mind-blowing plan in store for people. It would involve trees, snakes, apples, leaves that can be worn like underwear, and a flaming sword. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Right now we’re focusing on the story of how people came to be alive, and then came to be... not so great.

Day 1: You know that kind of dark it is when it’s really late at night and you’re tired but you’re looking for something so you squint your eyes like an idiot to see better and it’s still dark somehow? It was darker than that.

Darker than this.

 So, God made the light.

That was the first day. I can just imagine having a conversation with God after that.

Me: “So, how was your day?”

God: “It was okay. I made light.”

Me: “That’s cool. What’s light?”

God: “Uh, close your eyes.”

Me: “Woah, it’s dark! I’m scared!”

God: “Yeah, open your eyes.”

Me: “Oh that’s much better!”

God: “You’re welcome.”

Day 2: At this point, the earth was still a big ball of blue stuff floating awkwardly in space. So on the second day God decided to split the blue stuff into the sky and the ocean and I guess whatever comes between those. Air? I’m not sure, but there it was.

Day 3: The sky and the ocean were great. People could fly kites and go swimming pretty much forever, but it lacked that certain... groundiness. On the third day, God made the ground. Again, good, but why not go bigger? Bam. Plants and trees. No big deal. (Except it totally was.)

"And He saw that it was good."

Day 4: God had already made the sun and the moon and He wanted to give them something to do instead of just hang out in space all the time. Night and day were created on the fourth day so that people can appreciate how beautiful the universe is by looking up at the sky and seeing all the stars. Or by just staring at the sun.

He's self-conscious.

 Day 5: God wanted to make some living things to appreciate how awesome He made the earth. I mean, come on, some of those trees are like a million feet tall and they make apples and fruit and such and they’re full of syrup. And so, God made the birds to fill up the sky and go “KAW” and fish to swim around and do... whatever it is that fish do. (Sorry fish.)

The birds and fish became best friends.

Day 6: God loved his fish and his birds because they make great pets for the most part, but He knew that the land needed some creatures, too. On the sixth day, He made all the other animals.

They don't really get along as well as birds and fish.

Finally, God created one last being on the sixth day:

“Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” - Genesis 2:7

This muscley, beardy guy was given dominion over all the animals of the earth. And God told the man that all the plants were his to eat, except for certain trees and raspberries and cauliflower because those are gross, and that leaves should only be used as underwear. God named the man Adam and commanded him to live in Eden, the best place in the world, where he could live happily ever after.

Adam did not argue, because he loved baseball and croquet and gardening and stuff like that, and since Eden was a garden, it was perfect.

Totally manly.

Sadly, after a while, Adam got lonely. Sure, animals are great, but they just don’t really listen or care.

Adam? More like SADam.

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” - Genesis 2:18

One night while Adam was sleeping, God took one of his ribs and used it to create a woman so that Adam wouldn’t be lonely anymore. She was totally hot and really nice and was actually into baseball too. She was the perfect partner for man.

They were both happy and excited, Adam, because he had a girlfriend, and the woman, because she just got made out of a rib, which is pretty cool.

Things were going good for a while, but after a certain incident with a snake tree (I warned you about snakes), the woman gave the man the kind of apple that gives you the knowledge about good and evil, THE ONE KIND OF APPLE GOD SAID NOT TO EAT, and they ate it.

And they realized they were naked.

Now, the encounter between God and Adam that ensued in the bible, though frightening, is actually kind of hilarious if you have an open mind. Let’s read it together.

Genesis 3:8
“Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.”

9 “But the Lord God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’” 

10 “He answered, ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.” (This probably even sounded stupid to Adam the second it came out of his mouth.)

11 “And He said, ‘Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” (Awwww, snap.)

12 “The man said, ‘The woman you put here with me - she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

Real smooth, Adam.

13 “Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this you have done?”
The woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Well played.

God believed her, knowing that snakes suck and that if Satan was going to pick something to go into, it would probably be a snake. He cursed snakes forever, but He was still mad at Adam and his wife. God told them to leave the Garden of Eden forever and go and start a civilization, and told them how they'd have to work for their food and how giving birth to kids would hurt really bad as punishment for the apple thing. Adam named his wife Eve, which translates roughly to ‘baby mama.’

Life was rough outside of paradise; the real world has way less fruit and way more intense physical labor, but somehow, Adam and Eve got through it and even though God didn’t like how they ate from His tree, He still loved them anyway. The same way He will always love you and me no matter what we eat.

P.S. The moral of this story is that people are weak to deception, but strong with faith. God made everybody perfectly imperfect. Our weaknesses are His strengths, so we should always look to Him if we don’t want to get fooled by a snake tree. Trust God, don't ever believe even for a second that you can hide from Him, and you should be okay. Also, be careful about going around naked. That's just common sense, though. Right?

-sam