Masculinity

“If this man were not from God, he could do nothing.” - John 9:33

Recently it has come to my attention that my blog is lacking in a very important aspect. It’s called “Man vs. Bible” but there’s not much MANLINESS going on here, and that’s just plain wrong. God made me to be a MAN, not some sissy that draws dolphins all day. It’s roundabout time to compensate (maybe OVER-compensate?!) for all the posts that haven’t been at least %150 MANLY.

Is that erupting volcano shaped like a cross? Yes. Yes it is.

What exactly makes the bible so masculine, you ask? Questions like that are for NON-MEN, but I’ll tell you anyway in case you forgot. Here’s a list (in no particular order) of what qualifies under the complex criteria of MANLINESS:

1. Meat

“Eat anything sold in the meat market without raising questions of conscience” - 1 Corinthians 10:25

Did you know that the word “MAN” is in the bible 2,747 times? That’s almost three thousand. That’s twice as many square acres as the average forest fire. Any more MANLY, and the bible might turn into a steak.

The 't' in 't-bone' now stands for Thessalonians.

There is so much meat throughout the Old and New Testaments, you could probably eat the pages of your bible and get a year’s worth of protein. You know what would be even better? If you drenched them in barbeque sauce first. Then the Word would be INSIDE of you (and delicious.)

If you get a stomach-ache, you are not a MAN.

Meat tastes good. This is an indisputable fact, but I wouldn't consume nearly as much beef as I do on a daily basis if I thought it wasn't good for me. Meat gives you valuable iron and protein, vitamins that give your muscles what they need to build and become stronger. Despite what some many nutritionists may tell you, your soul needs vitamins, too. Reading from your bible every day strengthens your faith, and helps prevent spiritual arthritis.

2. Fighting Large Animals

“In the midst of lions, I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts” - Psalm 57:4

Make no mistake, there is nothing quite as MANLY as taking on a beast using only the bare hands that God gave you and your body made out of muscles. The bible is riddled with stories of MEN battling tremendous creatures comprised entirely of teeth, claws, and anger.

For example, Jonah, although a coward at first for running from God, not only overcame his fear but overcame the giant sea monster that ATE HIM by finally trusting in the Lord’s will.

“Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.” - Jonah 1:17

(Note: Jonah may have actually been vomited out on a beach, but even so, that’s still pretty manly.)

God only presents us with obstacles so that we can overcome them. If you try to run away, not only does that make you NOT MANLY, but also not willing to trust God. That, much like the inside of a giant fish, is not somewhere you want to be.

3. Honor Like a Champ

"Moreover, the Father judges no one, but has entrusted all judgment to the Son, that all may honor him just as they honor the Father." - John 5:22-23

Guys in the biblical era were into honor almost as much as they were into super fast chariots, which were the equivalent of sports cars back in their day.

(Note: Though a terrible representation of a horse, this is actually a very accurate representation of how bad I am at drawing horses.)

A major responsibility of being a MAN was going to war without question or fear for the sole purpose of slaying some giants to bring glory to God. Naturally, this was some Old Testament-type heavy stuff, as violence, though definitely manly, is not really cool anymore. Jesus made that abundantly clear, and NO ONE was more MANLY than the Son of Man, son.

It’s still important to defend your honor in the present day, just don’t get it confused with pride. It’s way more MANLY to be humble than prideful.

“Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the Lord, and humility comes before honor.” - Proverbs 15:33

And anyway, pride is for lions (see Number 2.)

4. Chivalry

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise.” - Proverbs 31:30-31

Okay, so maybe chivalry wasn't exactly a prevalent theme in the bible, but those were different times. Nowadays, it’s ALL about being a gentleman, ‘cuz you can’t spell 'gentle’ without ‘MAN.’ (Don’t correct me, I know what I said.) If you don’t open your car door (TRUCK door if you’re a REAL MAN) for your lady-friend, then you fail at dating and maybe YOU should be the one wearing heels. Treat women with respect, because not only are they better looking than you, they are also more dignified and in all likelihood more smarterer. (Science.)

The lesson here is that it takes more than just muscle to be a MAN; it takes heart. (Although the heart is a muscle.)

A muscle full of CHOCOLATE.

5. Glorifying God

“Jesus replied, ‘What is impossible with man is possible with God.” - Luke 18:27

Hold the phone, hombre. Did you think the list was done already? I’m sorry, I thought this was Man vs. Bible, not Man vs. IMPATIENCE. This is the most important part of being a REAL MAN, and I’ll tell you why; without God, there would be no meat, no large animals, no honor, and no ladies to be chivalrous towards. What kind of a world would that be? Not one I would want to live in.

Being a good MAN means glorifying God in everything you do. Real MEN aren’t selfish and they don't rely on themselves. I don’t care how many sharks you can lift during your morning workout, if you’re not doing it for God, you’re WEAK SAUCE.

That said, nothing puts hair on your chest like serving the Lord. In fact, after the flood, Noah had so much chest hair that his family often mistook him for one of the bears they had brought with them aboard the ark.

P.S. I hope this foray into masculinity has been both entertaining and educational. Not only is this a personal expression of one of my own influences in how I'm living my life for God, but a collection of sentiments that anyone can apply to their walk with Christ, regardless of gender. Man or woman, strength, toughness, and a level head are qualities that God bestowed on each of and every one of us, maybe just in different ways.

Study your bible like a man, man (even if you’re not a man.) Feel free to comment/follow.

-sam

Running

“The name of the lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” - Proverbs 18:10

Running is awesome. You will rarely find me running, but that’s not because I don’t enjoy it. Running gets your blood pumping, burns calories, and releases endorphins (see below) which makes you feel great.

(This is seriously how I picture endorphins in my brain.)

I would probably run more often, but

A. I prefer riding my bike

Yeah, I make race car noises. So what?

B. When I do run, people riding bikes pass me and I feel like I’m losing to them

C. It makes me feel like I’m being chased by something

These excuses, (while totally valid and understandable and definitely not lame or pathetic) however, are nowhere near enough to keep some people from hitting the path. Some people were just born to run. God blessed them with strong legs and an even stronger heart.

Time to lay off the cardio for a while.

That said, running is just as much about strength of mind as it is strength of body. This is a sport that takes what I believe to be one of the most admirable qualities you can find in a person; determination.

The kind of person who can convince themselves to push beyond their physical limits, to challenge themselves every day to improve, to encourage others by setting an example with their own abilities; someone like that isn’t just running for themselves. They’re running for God. I would feel safe putting faith in a person like that.

“Flee! Run for your lives, become like a bush in the desert.” - Jeremiah 48:6

Wait, bushes can't run...

The reason I included that verse is because I really love the phrase, “Run for your life.” Don’t get me wrong, I know that it means ‘run away, because if you don’t, something is probably going to get you and then in all likelihood going to eat you,’ but I like to think it has more meaning than that.

When I read “run for your life,” it makes me imagine running to God to get to my eternal life.

It’s like God is at the finish line, and He knows how exhausted you are and how hard you worked to get there and He’s just waiting to refresh you and congratulate you and reward you with the greatest prize imaginable: a place at His side in the Kingdom of Heaven.

“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 3:14

It's a metaphor for Heaven.

God doesn’t care how sweaty and gross you are, or how you almost said a swear word when you stepped in that huge puddle back there (look, you got mud all over your running shoes, and let's be honest, it would be easier to go and spend another $59.99 on a new pair instead of trying to clean that stuff off with an old toothbrush and dish soap, which doesn't even work. Why don't they just invent shoe soap? Or better yet, just un-invent mud puddles?)

God just wants you to keep moving forward and He will give you anything you need to keep you from giving up.

That's supposed to look like purple sweat. My bad.

All you have to do is ask, and God can make the marathon of life seem like a walk in the park.
 
P.S. This post was inspired by one of the coolest people I’ve ever met. Her name is Katie, and not only is she an incredible runner, but an incredible writer. She is doing God’s work every day, and through her running and blogging, she’s doing something really amazing. I strongly, strongly encourage you to check out her blog and support her efforts and her cause here:

http://runningtothewell.blogspot.com/

http://runningtothewell.blogspot.com/

I know I linked it twice, that's just how good it is. It’s way better than mine, so don’t rub it in. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a run.

-sam

Failure

“However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.” - 1 Peter 4:16

Have you ever had an accident that you’re not exactly proud to announce to the world? I very recently experienced what can only be described as one of the most hilariously pathetic moments of my life, and since the keyword here is in fact “hilariously,” I’ve decided to share it with you.

It’s not what you think; I didn’t wet the bed or anything gross like that. I did, however, manage to wet the bible. (With water.)

You’re probably thinking, “How is that even possible? Something that idiotic would require less coordination than a one-eyed chicken with a peg leg.” Well, you're absolutely right! I am even more awkward than the most pitifully handicapped imaginary animal that I can think of at the moment.

Nothing wrong with a pirate chicken.

I am not really known for my clumsiness outside the dance floor, but this particular incident may change that.

I invent all my own moves.

There’s no point in dragging this out, so I’ll just tell the story now.

It was a quiet evening at home, I was in bed already so it must have been around 11 p.m. I was having trouble getting to sleep that night, so as usual, I busted out my iPhone & headphones and hit up my Sleepy Time playlist (don’t judge me.) This method always does the trick and in a matter of minutes, I was dozing off.

Now, before I describe the terrible event that was to come, I need to show you the layout of my room so you understand the exact magnitude of my utter failure at life.

This picture is really boring, so I drew you a walrus.

It should also be noted that my bed is basically two mattresses on a wooden frame about a foot and a half tall laying directly on the ground. There’s no space underneath for losing valuable objects, spiders to inhabit, or monsters to hide on the off chance my childhood nightmares decide to become reality.

90% sleep-proof.

Because of this, instead of a night stand, I just use the floor next to my headboard. I’m a bit of a risk taker when it comes to bedside paraphernalia. What can I say? I like to lay it all on the line. My devil-may-care attitude proved to by my downfall, however, as somehow in the midst of falling asleep, my arm with iPhone in hand managed to fall in just the perfect way to come in contact with my glass of water.

Imagine a flood of biblical proportions. Endless tidal waves poured out of the cup, engulfing anything and everything in their destructive path, bringing with them an armada of ice cube-shaped glaciers to emphasize the devastation.

"The waters rose greatly on the earth, and all the high mountains under the entire heavens were covered." - Genesis 7:19

(That may be slightly exaggerated. It may have been more like this:)

My hand must have been splashed by the freezing water because I jolted awake and upright. In a matter of seconds, my brain made the complete transition from “What? I’m asleep, go away.” to “HOLY CRAP, EVERYTHING IS RUINED FOREVER!”

My initial reaction was to throw my phone across the room at a dangerous velocity as instinct told me that this was the most valuable object in immediate danger of becoming wet, and thusly, broken.

Next was Mr. Laptop, who had been foolishly placed in close proximity to Mr. Water, and those two do not get along well to say the least.

To keep him away from the watery fate that would surely have been his untimely end, I kicked Mr. Laptop across the floor in a moment of sheer panic.

Only then did I notice that by taking the time to launch my technology to safety, I had sacrificed a vastly more important instrument at my bedside.

The icy grips of the water had been allowed several crucial seconds to soak through the latter chapters of my bible, including Revelation and at least two of the Epistles. In a flurry of pseudo-swear words, I rescued it from the puddle (lake) that was forming on the carpet.

I'm no potty-mouth.

Still in a state of hysteria, I laid on the floor of my room, opening the pages that had gotten wet and trying to blow them dry, apparently believing that I would be granted magic hairdryer powers. Instead, I only managed to look like a soaking wet, crazy weirdo clutching a bible as if it were an injured baby bird.

Not my greatest moment.

To make matters worse, which I didn’t think was possible, my dog Max sensed the commotion and came to investigate.

Max stared at me momentarily, with a mix of judgment and confusion in his eyes, before proceeding to the disaster area. Seeing the ice cubes strewn across the floor, he began to deliberately pick them up with his tongue.

That's... helpful?

He then turned around to face me, and, realizing that ice cubes are cold, spat them out onto my open bible.

I was not pleased.

Eventually I calmed down enough to find and plug in my desk fan and was pleasantly surprised to watch the water evaporate from the pages and my bible was restored to its original dry and holy state. Aren’t you glad I confessed one of the lowest moments of my adult life to you? And it was even vaguely bible-related to boot! Needless to say, I learned from my mistake. I'll never drink water again.

P.S. So at this point, your list of immediate dangers should include snakes, apples, and now ice water. Your bible isn’t just a book, it’s something you should hold near and dear. It’s not the physical object that’s so important, but the Word that’s written inside. The Word keeps you protected, so obviously you should want to reciprocate that protection. Keep your bible where you can always reach it easily, but out of reach of anything that might damage it. You might smudge or erase or tear a verse that could have changed your life. (Also, that’s a LOT of pages you have to dry out.)

-sam

Creation

“In the beginning, God made the heavens and the earth.”  - Genesis 1:1

Genesis chapter one was a pretty big week for God. In just six days, He created the whole universe; the sky, the oceans, the light, the dark, and eventually, people. I think the most I’ve ever managed to do in six days was go grocery shopping and learn how to make macaroni and cheese from scratch. Let me tell you, my macaroni is good, but it's not quite up to God’s standards.

Anyway, God had a mind-blowing plan in store for people. It would involve trees, snakes, apples, leaves that can be worn like underwear, and a flaming sword. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Right now we’re focusing on the story of how people came to be alive, and then came to be... not so great.

Day 1: You know that kind of dark it is when it’s really late at night and you’re tired but you’re looking for something so you squint your eyes like an idiot to see better and it’s still dark somehow? It was darker than that.

Darker than this.

 So, God made the light.

That was the first day. I can just imagine having a conversation with God after that.

Me: “So, how was your day?”

God: “It was okay. I made light.”

Me: “That’s cool. What’s light?”

God: “Uh, close your eyes.”

Me: “Woah, it’s dark! I’m scared!”

God: “Yeah, open your eyes.”

Me: “Oh that’s much better!”

God: “You’re welcome.”

Day 2: At this point, the earth was still a big ball of blue stuff floating awkwardly in space. So on the second day God decided to split the blue stuff into the sky and the ocean and I guess whatever comes between those. Air? I’m not sure, but there it was.

Day 3: The sky and the ocean were great. People could fly kites and go swimming pretty much forever, but it lacked that certain... groundiness. On the third day, God made the ground. Again, good, but why not go bigger? Bam. Plants and trees. No big deal. (Except it totally was.)

"And He saw that it was good."

Day 4: God had already made the sun and the moon and He wanted to give them something to do instead of just hang out in space all the time. Night and day were created on the fourth day so that people can appreciate how beautiful the universe is by looking up at the sky and seeing all the stars. Or by just staring at the sun.

He's self-conscious.

 Day 5: God wanted to make some living things to appreciate how awesome He made the earth. I mean, come on, some of those trees are like a million feet tall and they make apples and fruit and such and they’re full of syrup. And so, God made the birds to fill up the sky and go “KAW” and fish to swim around and do... whatever it is that fish do. (Sorry fish.)

The birds and fish became best friends.

Day 6: God loved his fish and his birds because they make great pets for the most part, but He knew that the land needed some creatures, too. On the sixth day, He made all the other animals.

They don't really get along as well as birds and fish.

Finally, God created one last being on the sixth day:

“Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” - Genesis 2:7

This muscley, beardy guy was given dominion over all the animals of the earth. And God told the man that all the plants were his to eat, except for certain trees and raspberries and cauliflower because those are gross, and that leaves should only be used as underwear. God named the man Adam and commanded him to live in Eden, the best place in the world, where he could live happily ever after.

Adam did not argue, because he loved baseball and croquet and gardening and stuff like that, and since Eden was a garden, it was perfect.

Totally manly.

Sadly, after a while, Adam got lonely. Sure, animals are great, but they just don’t really listen or care.

Adam? More like SADam.

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” - Genesis 2:18

One night while Adam was sleeping, God took one of his ribs and used it to create a woman so that Adam wouldn’t be lonely anymore. She was totally hot and really nice and was actually into baseball too. She was the perfect partner for man.

They were both happy and excited, Adam, because he had a girlfriend, and the woman, because she just got made out of a rib, which is pretty cool.

Things were going good for a while, but after a certain incident with a snake tree (I warned you about snakes), the woman gave the man the kind of apple that gives you the knowledge about good and evil, THE ONE KIND OF APPLE GOD SAID NOT TO EAT, and they ate it.

And they realized they were naked.

Now, the encounter between God and Adam that ensued in the bible, though frightening, is actually kind of hilarious if you have an open mind. Let’s read it together.

Genesis 3:8
“Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.”

9 “But the Lord God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’” 

10 “He answered, ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.” (This probably even sounded stupid to Adam the second it came out of his mouth.)

11 “And He said, ‘Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” (Awwww, snap.)

12 “The man said, ‘The woman you put here with me - she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

Real smooth, Adam.

13 “Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this you have done?”
The woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Well played.

God believed her, knowing that snakes suck and that if Satan was going to pick something to go into, it would probably be a snake. He cursed snakes forever, but He was still mad at Adam and his wife. God told them to leave the Garden of Eden forever and go and start a civilization, and told them how they'd have to work for their food and how giving birth to kids would hurt really bad as punishment for the apple thing. Adam named his wife Eve, which translates roughly to ‘baby mama.’

Life was rough outside of paradise; the real world has way less fruit and way more intense physical labor, but somehow, Adam and Eve got through it and even though God didn’t like how they ate from His tree, He still loved them anyway. The same way He will always love you and me no matter what we eat.

P.S. The moral of this story is that people are weak to deception, but strong with faith. God made everybody perfectly imperfect. Our weaknesses are His strengths, so we should always look to Him if we don’t want to get fooled by a snake tree. Trust God, don't ever believe even for a second that you can hide from Him, and you should be okay. Also, be careful about going around naked. That's just common sense, though. Right?

-sam