I have heard the voice of God once in my life. I was seventeen years old, I think only a few months after I had given my life to Jesus. I was struggling particularly hard at the time. Not that I'm doing any better now.
I was lying in bed, praying harder than I can ever remember. I just wanted an answer. I just wanted to know I wasn't alone. I kept asking God, "What do you want me to do?"
"Come Home." A voice in my heart.
Immediately, everything that was hurting me just... stopped. I felt warm, safe, and happy. I fell asleep smiling, saying, "Thank you, God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
I haven't felt that way in a long, long time.
I can't say I totally understand what God meant. "Come Home." Does He want me to stop being so attached to the world? Is he trying to show me the right way to get to Him? Or was it just a reminder in a moment of weakness, that in the end, there is a place with no more hurting?
I wish I could focus on these questions, but since then, I've been looking for a much bigger answer. Why won't God answer my prayers anymore?
I just don't understand. At first I thought, "Maybe I'm praying for the wrong things." I had been asking Jesus for such specific things, "Jesus, please let me have this," or "Put that in my life." I searched my heart and considered these wants might be too selfish. I want to want what God wants.
So I changed my prayers. "Jesus, if I can't have this, if I'm not supposed to have that in my life, please help me understand." Still, no answer. No feeling. Nothing. I must have been asking Jesus for too much. I know now that I can't possibly come close to understanding God's plan for me, what He gives me, what He takes away. I want to understand God, but I know I never will.
Again, I changed my prayers. "Jesus, if I can't have this in my life, if I can't understand why, then please just let me be okay. Let me be happy." Every day. Weeks. Months. More than a year, and my prayer is unanswered. I'm not okay. I'm not happy. I'm not any closer to coming Home. I just want to Come Home, God.
Tonight, I will pray the same prayer. Tomorrow, the same prayer. I will not stop praying until God answers my heart again. I have lost so many things important to me, and there are so many people I've failed, so much I've had to quit. I don't know why, but for some reason, God made me too strong to quit Him.
I have faith in the Promise. Life will keep getting harder, and my hurt might not go away. It might keep getting worse until I don't have anything left. As far as I'm concerned, God can take away everything in my life, because it's for my life that He gave everything.
I don't know if I'll ever hear that voice again. But I haven't forgotten. I haven't given up. I may not know how to get there, but I know where I'm going to end up. One way or another, I will Come Home.
-sam
